What do you think your mom and dad have in common?  "They both don't want anymore kids." - girl, age 8

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." - boy, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - boy, age 14

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - boy, age 14

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac." - boy, age 9

"Never hold a Dust Buster and a cat at the same time." - boy, age 9

"Stay away from prunes." - boy, age 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - boy, age 9

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." -girl 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." - girl, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - boy, age 10

"Never try to baptize a cat." - girl, age 8

How can a stranger tell if two people are married?  "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." - boy, age 8

How do you decide who to marry?  "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and then she should keep the chips and dip coming." - boy, age 10 

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.  God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - girl, age 10

Is it better to be single or married?  ""It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need someone to clean up after them." - girl, age 9

When is it okay to kiss someone?  "When they're rich." - girl, age 7 

"The law says that you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." - boy, age 7 

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do." - boy, age 8

What is the right age to get married?  "23 is the best age because you know the person forever by then." - girl, age 10 

"No age is good to get married at.  You got to be a fool to get married." - boy, age 6

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?  "I'd run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all of the dead columns." - boy, age 9

What do most people do on a date?  "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.  Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." - girl, age 8

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, I'm tired, and it's getting late.  I think I'll go to bed.

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.  Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took out meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.  She picked up the game pieces left on the table , put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.  She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.  She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.  She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store.  She put both near her purse. 

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.  Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed?"  "I am on my way."  she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.  She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

She set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.  She added 3 things to her 6 most important things to do list.  She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular.  "I am going to bed."  And he did without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here?

Wonder why women live longer?

CAUSE WOMEN ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL! (and they can't die sooner, because still have things to do!!!)

1). Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2). For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

3). A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4). Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink

5). If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.  Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6). You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40.  If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7). If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.